"The grief which no-one consoles with flowers." This is a description of the stress that many experience when their marriage or partnership breaks up. Frode Thuen (at photo), senior lecturer, has now offered a helping hand to this secretly grieving group. In return he has had unique access to informants for his grief research.
It all started with
the evaluation of the "Grief and Care" project, which is a support
scheme for bereaved people in the form of small grief groups headed by
volunteers in 80-90 of the Districts in Norway. In the various communities,
this scheme gave rise to a question from another group of people who had
suffered a loss: "What about us? Are there no support schemes for
us?" asked people who had recently seen their marriage break up. "We
are grieving as well, but no-one realises".
When the "Grief and Care" project's secretariat was moved to the Department of Psycho-social Science at Bergen University, the focus of research was expanded. The sponsors behind the "Grief and Care" project were generous enough to finance the development, testing and evaluation of support schemes for people who experience the break-up of a marriage or partnership.
- We are now in the development phase, says senior lecturer Frode Thuen.
- First we made a survey of all existing nation-wide schemes for couples going through divorce, but it turned out that there is very little assistance on offer. Consequently, we decided to try out self-help groups on the pattern of "Grief and Care" here in our own Department.
Through several newspaper interviews in the autumn of 1995 people were invited to report their interest in participating in divorce groups. There was considerable response, and there are now waiting lists for admittance to later courses. Two groups of eight participants have been established. Frode Thuen heads one of them, with colleague Benedicte Carlsen, and psychologist Oddbjørn Sandvik heads the other one.
On the day of this interview Thuen's group was to have their last meeting, but we were not allowed in as a fly on the wall. They made that mistake on a previous occasion, and now the group wished to keep the doors closed. The pressure from the media has been significant, as the subject of divorce counselling appeals to journalists and others in a time when almost every second marriage breaks up. "Divorce school" and "break-up centre" are some of the tabloid labels put on the project, but this doesn't worry Mr. Thuen.
- None of these labels is correct. This is a test project and will not become a permanent scheme available at Bergen University. We will continue with new groups in the autumn, but as from 1997 the practical part of the scheme will disappear from the University.
- How does your research benefit from having the grief groups virtually next door to your office?
- It is precisely the integration between research and practice which makes this scheme so exciting. This proximity to our topic of research is unique. The researcher is not a remote ivory figure who comes down from his tower in order to experience reality - we are in reality. Another strength is the good access to informants. In grief research this is often a problem, Thuen explains.
- Another important point is the proximity between researchers and users. When we come up with results, we have the target group at hand. We can purvey the results directly to the people concerned, thereby making their grieving more effective.
- Our teaching and tuition also benefits from having practicians among our university scientists. Handling grief is a central subject in the psychologists' education, and the students clearly benefit from the experience that this project gives us.
- Research, practice and education - all fields profit from this type of project, Thuen summarises.
- What about the members of the grief groups - do they benefit from this or are they really just guinea pigs?
- The researchers never tap the participants of information, that's not how it works at all. We try to focus on the general aspects, and being so close to the groups means that we can afford to be particularly careful in a our approach. So far we have only received positive feedback from the participants.
- Is this project yet another indication that we are no longer capable of handling our crises on our own?
- We have admittedly professionalised our life crises is many ways, Thuen says.
- But the "Grief and Care" project, and now its continuation with divorce groups, represents the opposite; a way of helping people to help themselves. People with similar experiences give support to each other. The local grief groups have voluntary, non-professional leaders. The two divorce groups are admittedly headed by professionals, but we keep a low profile and never engage in therapy.
After a while people in mourning often find that friends and family suffer from "grief fatigue", and at this point it is good to be able to turn to a groups of people in the same situation. People who go through a divorce have the added problem of feeling that their grief is not accepted in the same way as after a bereavement.
- However, the feeling of loss can be just as significant for a person who is being left as for a person who is bereaved. Both of them have lost a dear person. But the grief following the break-up of a marriage also involve considerable aggression and conflicting thoughts. Both parties live on and need to relate to each other, particularly if they have children, says Thuen.
It is the most resourceful among us who have the initiative to make use of these schemes, and the psychologist is not surpassed that there is a majority of women in the two divorce groups.
- It is clearly a problem that so few men have joined us. Whereas women choose to talk themselves through their crises, men tend to direct their energy outwards. They might need a scheme which concentrates on action rather than talking, and we are working on this. The man needs just as much support as the woman after a divorce, even if research shows that men often have better strategies for mastering crisis situations.
The divorce group participants have been through a range of topics: the most common reactions, role changes, relationships with other people, the in-laws, dealing with the authorities, and money-matters.
- The topic of in-laws is a particularly rousing one. This is a difficult matter for many divorcees, says Thuen.
The divorce groups - which is the scheme's preliminary label - will continue in the autumn. The plans are for local self-help groups to be established at District level in 1997, on the pattern of "Grief and Care". In the autumn Thuen will also analyse the answers given in a major questionnaire survey targeting recently divorced couples. One of the question they've been asked is whether they need help, and Thuen can already reveal that a large proportion feel a need for a professional hand to hold. The results of this survey will be presented at the end of the year.
At last someone who takes us seriously. This is what Kjersti Aasen felt when she was given the opportunity to take part in a grief group for recent divorcees at the Department of Psycho-social sceince.
- Obviously, you won't get through a crises in the course of eight evenings, but it's quite a help. Actually, my group will continue on its own now that the course is officially ending. Kjersti Aasen ensures us that she never felt like a researcher's guinea pig when participating in the group. She felt it was a positive feature that the group was headed by a professional, even though he, in our case Frode Thuen, kept himself in the background.
- To me it was particularly beneficial to hear the views of the other participants, while others put more emphasis on what the psychologist said, says Aasen, who feels that the opportunity to take part in talk groups should be offered as early as in connection with the compulsory arbitration.
- The group meetings helped me cope during a difficult period. In a way we went through the grieving process together. Things get less difficult when you talk about them. The talk group also became a place to find new friends, which we all need after a divorce.
- Is it a bit drastic to compare divorce with the grief after the death of a husband or wife?
- Both things mean loss of love. A person to whom you've had a long and close relationship is gone. But it is difficult for people around you to understand that a divorce doesn't necessarily involve relief. Both parties experience grief - both the one who leaves and the one who is being left.
The "Grief and Care" project started 10 years ago, and in 1995 the secretariat was moved from Oslo to Bergn University, to be based at the Division of Preventive Community Psychology at The Faculty of Psychology. Five researchers are currently linked to the project, which includes a research part and a practical part. The practical part involves experimental and development work, as well as giving support to those who are working locally.
In addition, two researchers are linked to an evaluation project commissioned by the Norwegian Cancer Association. The association wants their support for cancer patients and relatives to be evaluated.
All over the country close to 100 self-run grief groups in almost as many Districts are linked to "Grief and Care". Each group has 5-6 participants, so nationally a total of 5-600 mourners take part in grief groups. Each group is headed by two volunteers from the local community who have been through a training programme and who receive guidance from local professionals. The grief groups are primarily intended for people who have lost a spouse or child.
The researchers use the grief group members as informants, although they never actually intervene with the groups as such. It is the group leaders who make up the network which the researchers use for collating information on which to base their evaluations and other surveys. Frode Thuen and his colleagues have evaluated the "Grief and Care" project, and are now working on a nation-wide study among recent divorcees.
The evaluation shows that the local grief groups work very well. The participants reported that they had received good help and support. The better the group leader was capable of taking care of the group's members, the more satisfied they were.
- The feedback also indicated that those who had lost a child were more satisfied than those who had lost a husband or wife. This means that the former group of mourners might have the greatest need for help, says Frode Thuen. Experience gained from grief groups for the bereaved will serve as guidelines when we establish similar groups for those who mourn the break-up of a marriage.
The grief research based at the Division of Preventive Community Psychology and the "Grief and Care" secretariat receive support from the Ministry of Health and Social Affairs, the Health Promotion Liaison Committee, which is a semi-public organisation, and the Norwegian National Health Association, the Norwegian Red Cross, and the Norwegian Association of Voluntary Women Carers, all of which are charitable organisations.
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